Fear is a wonderful thing. It is an amazing inhibitor... the denial of oneself... yet such an amazing barometer and gift, that when overcome is actually a vehicle for growth and expansion. Fear can only be perpetuated by the external perception of self and is given life by believing in the drama of a world that is created by, and in, a vacuum of illusion. Lofty words I know... but it is the truth that constantly ascends a consciousness that is lovingly embracing the sea of confusion nevertheless...

It is my birthday today. I am 34 years old. I live in an Ashram with my Guru and a group of devoted disciples. I am producing a feature length documentary, designing and creating a socially conscious children's toy, on the board of directors for a non-profit, and barely able to pay my bills as I wade through the muddied waters of my mind. In my world, I have come to learn to expect or be attached to nothing yet anticipate anything... miracles are always within reach but I have not let them land.

The last couple of months, almost nine to be exact, have been a whirlwind of amazing experiences... many of which I do not understand, and to be honest, care not to... all that matters is what I feel now. My life is crazy, painful, amazing, and unpredictable. I would not have it any other way. As I let go of my past (and future) the better it gets. The world can never offer me, or even come close to surpassing, that which comes from within?

I have given up everything to be here... in the now... I have given up all that I have known... and I have done so twice... there will never be a third. Something big is brewing... it is a culmination of months, years, and even lifetimes of preparation. My emotions are overwhelming, and my heart is in a frenzy of deep despair mixed together with the bated anticipation of something... it is the known unknown... love, God, or whatever you want to call it!

The rapture and bliss that embraces me... the deep love that I am discovering... is the real thing. It comes from me - and I am finally willing to accept it. Why else would I be here? Life isn't always a walk in the park but I know that I will see it through.

...if what is contained herein makes no sense... then let me make it clear... nothing in my existence ever was or will be... I am grateful. I AM here!

The New Years Eve retreat has come and gone and the Year of Rebirth has begun. If anyone remembers 2007 was heralded as the Year of Synergy, a dispensation that Pranananda, my Guru, gives each year.

I remember a year ago when the Year of Synergy was  announced and how irritated I was because the name Synergy was also part of the name of the company that I had founded over 10 years ago - the very one that produced many of the events and pilgrimages that I worked on. At the time, it almost felt as though He had deliberately named it the Year of Synergy to annoy me and as a statement directly to me. Obviously, apart from my arrogance and delusions of self-importance it actually worked.

 I remember blogging about that, expressing my grievance over the whole thing, and now a year later I look back and shake my head over the year that was and the complete unpredictability of what once was my life. I say that in all seriousness... I really don't own my life anymore. As much as I am grateful for that, sometimes it scares the living heck out of me.  It is the dichotomy of "what have I done" and the excitement of "is there anything else that anyone could ever want?" - been there and done that!

So... 2007 was indeed the Year of Synergy... my coming out of the closet and back into the light of the great central sun... naked, vulnerable, and left with nothing more than the dire need to find a trust and faith deep within my core the likes of which I have never come close to finding within. As my regular readers know, I have literally nothing left except for the clothes on my back and a whoppingly embarrassing amount of debt that I have haphazardly accumulated. Even in my dire circumstances, and as painful as all this feels at times, there is a core of strength that has enveloped me. Ultimately, I have everything to gain... dang that fear and scarcity... yeah baby!

So how did the Melbourne retreat go? Well, thanks for asking... awesome I tell you. It was indeed far more intense than San Francisco as predicted. I was the assistant to the producer on this one again and it was more than a pleasure. Pranananda is definitely prepping me. When I get back to the states I will be working on some New York events, LA, San Diego, Las Vegas, San Francisco again, as well as Germany and possible Sweden... that's all of Europe to me... if I get my way that is. It is obviously time to let the cat out of the bag it would seem... the Guru is willing and able to come to a town near you! 

In many ways being a producer is easy. Pull together a good group of people that can help you manifest whatever the vision is. That is how it will work with the documentary and my secret project. I am nothing more than a person that is resourceful, and hopefully, can manage those resources effectively. Ultimately it is about growth. The events produce me... not the other way around. So this retreat... oh yeah...

It was in the Dandenong Mountains just outside Melbourne with 60 odd people. As I think I noted with San Fran a few month ago, the nature of the retreats are very different to what they used to be. As a matter of fact so is Pranananda. It is quite fascinating to watch how an enlightened master continues to transform and grow. Many people think that enlightenment is the ultimate goal, but it is really just a point in evolution. Now it may be a major destination, but truthfully the journey of growth and expansion never really ends. That is congruent with all of creation which is constantly expanding. 

If someone was to ever question that, Pranananda would ask "How much of God is there to grow into? If you can answer that, then you know where growth ends." He would also say that we are all perfection perfecting ourselves - intimating the cycle of constant growth and refinement. I once heard someone say that life can be broken down into two states of being - growing or dying - that everybody at any given time in either one of those states, and if you think about it, it is true... although the real kicker is that dying is growing too... even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. 

Truth-be-told, the journey of life is nothing more than a series of choices stringed together in a linear fashion. What makes life a miraculous experience is when those choices are no-longer driven by the ego or small self, but by the Divine... then you can just sit back and enjoy the ride.  That of course doesn't mean that there won't be any challenges or obstacles, but what will be different is your perception. Pranananda also states (and I am paraphrasing)," that Mastery is not about what happens to you, but how you react or handle what happens to you." That is the way we get tested and refined. Can you choose love no matter what? Well... can you? Most people pretend they do, and use piety as a cover for denial of what is truly going on within... however, that is another story and not one that I wish to expand upon here at this time. Sorry.

So the retreat... yeah... Pranananda does a lot less talking and discourses. He still does to a degree but it is now very much about giving people an experience of the Divine and experience of their own divinity. Some people get it consciously, others do not, but it is not unlike Ammachi giving hugs to thousands of people, except that Pranananda gives people a blast of love that many cannot contain. So for me, and for many others, I would say that the whole 3-day retreat centered around one particular segment on January 31. That does not mean that the rest of the retreat was not important or profound, but this was the obvious culmination of some amazing build-up.

The afternoon in question was when we had what is known as darshan line. For those that do not know what darshan is, it is the blessing that you receive by being in the presence of an enlightened being. That is why 10's of thousands of beings will line up for a hug with Ammachi, or wait to get a glimpse of Sai Baba at His ashram. What transpires on a subtle, or not so subtle level, is far more than anyone could ever imagine or admit. It is a fact, regardless of what people believe. So a darshan line is where Pranananda will receive people and anoint or bless them in a similar fashion to what I described in my last blog (where I briefly recounted the public evening event that we held a few weeks earlier). At a retreat it is always more profound because people have had more time with Him to feel safe and more comfortable and in essence their fear-based defenses are more likely to be down. 

As it was motioned for people to form a line to be received by Pranananda it was obvious that something big was going to happen. After the first person knelt before Him to receive an anointing of Virbuti (sacred ash), I quickly found myself running up to the front to kneel next to Pranananda to assist people up the stairs. To put it mildly, people started popping everywhere. 

It was an interesting predicament. On one-hand I was fixated on each person as they received their blessing, holding the sacred space, privy to each anointing and anything that was spoken, and on the other I had to remain as conscious and present of my surroundings as possible. It was important for me to not get too drunk off the energy that He was infusing in people. Sometimes He would say something to them, or He would just intensely stare into the person's eyes with His glazed over "eyes of God," and each time He would put the sacred ash on the third eye of each individual. 

It was fascinating. Many a time I would help walk the person down the stairs, they would be shaky, and then after being escorted only a few feet from the stage they would collapse into a blissful outburst of shaking, laughing, crying or whatever. This actually brings to memory many other precarious incidents. For instance, at the Temple of Luxor in Egypt where I had 14 people go down right at closing time. The gun toting guards were panicked as I and my staff had to fend them off from panicking and getting the wrong idea. Another was at Mother Mary's crypt in Jerusalem, Israel. Also at closing time, I was forced to calm down the Jewish priests who thought there was a demonic possession going on. All I could do was point to the sky and say "Allah" and hope for the best.  In that experience Pranananda Himself went down, with others to follow, as He re-lived the crucifixion experience. Take it as you will... I was there along with many others. All in a day's work it would seem...

So here I am, at a retreat, soliciting the help of more people to assist me as now some of the recipients needed to be carried away out of the way. The seating arrangement only offered limited ways to maneuver in the room and all avenues were getting blocked by people lying on the floor in bliss. In the meantime, I am doing my best to handle it all with grace and to stay composed and focused on the task at hand. Blessing after blessing, anointing after anointing I had to be prepared for the unexpected... now it is important to mention that not everybody had an experience like that which I am describing. Many people were afraid, others judgmental, other attached and in expectation, and others just got what they needed without the pomp and circumstance, but it was a definite scene. 

It always amazes me to see how many people feel so unworthy of the blessings. So afraid because they have convinced themselves that they are less than God. Probably the most profound experience was near the end. We had one lady join us who was a drug addict. I don't know the technical name of what she has been taking for years on end, but it was synthetic heroin and many other cocktails. When she came to the retreat she spent a lot of time in her room, looking after her son, but also afraid and extremely shy and embarrassed. We had staff assigned to her to look after her son and to nurture and support her in attending portions of the retreat so that she could have the experience that she came for. 

Well... it was heart wrenching to watch her come up to Pranananda. As she drew nearer to Him she started crying and as her eyes locked onto His she started saying... no... no... no... in morbid desperation as she realized what was about to happen... within moments Pranananda embraced her and both started wailing and crying. I was directly behind her facing Pranananda and heard a symphony of wails from behind me as everyone felt her pain and witnessed Pranananda sucking all the drugs and pain from her being like a vacuum cleaner. I cried uncontrollably watching the expression of agony on Pranananda's face as He held her tightly and transformed her life forever. 

At one particular time, Pranananda opened His eyes and stared directly into mine. I will never forget that look as He took on the karma of this beautiful soul.  I prayed to take on as much as I could to help and continued to cry incessantly. I do not really consider myself psychic, even though everyone is, but man, I can truly say that I have seen a lot of profound and amazing things, and this was no different.  Once He was done He anointed her and spoke a few things and eventually she was assisted down. That day her addiction was healed. Today she has barely had any withdrawal symptoms, which usually is extremely painful and accompanied by nausea, cramps, and extreme terror. This is one of many miracles. She is now moving into an ashram home and her mother is beside herself in glee. If the footage turns out, she will be in our documentary.

So that was one of the highlights. By now I was fully conscious that my resistance throughout the retreat, and avoidance as an assistant producer, hiding in the logistical side of things, that old faithful was going to blow. Pranananda had strategically placed me up front to ensure that I had no way of tapering my experience. In essence I had already been blasted for over two and a half hours with each person's blessing, and I was for certain not going to be conveniently pulled away for any other task.

It really began with the healer going up. M. I have mentioned him before as the healer that came up to Hollywood to do treatments on myself, my love, and my L.A. circle of friends. He was on this trip too, the sound man, and is also assisting with the documentary. When he went up to have his experience I knew instinctually to kneel directly behind him at the same height as him to hold the energies. As he started going through what he did, by being anointed, I saw Sai Baba and Adi Da (two avatars/masters), come from either side and enter his body. In that instant a lightning bolt came from Pranananda's heart, through M's, and into my chest. It was a physical experience, and I felt my chest and heart open up and get consumed by the light.

Instantly I started getting the shakes.  When M was done, I helped him down and continued assisting the final few who were left to get their blessings, but my shaking would not stop. As I made my way back to my position at His side, my eyes caught His, and he motioned for me to come up... it was my turn... I was now ripe for the picking. Within moments of getting situated Pranananda grabbed my hands and my shaking amplified. The whole stage started vibrating violently and four men jumped up to come behind me to hold me from falling back. Others had to grab stuff off Pranananda's side table for fear that the flowers and other items would fall and break.

I started screaming from the bowels of my being. To explain how this all transpired is impossible but let's just say that amongst feeling like I was going to choke and suffocate to death from my release, being electrocuted and fully animated on stage, feeling my fear and resistance coming out, while love was pouring in, I am sure it was an interesting sight. Eventually the screams and darkness became a mixture or laughing, crying, and experiencing the shear strength and power of who I am... who I truly am. I felt Metatronian energies coupled with Shiva as Pranananda cleaned house. 

Pranananda was like a ventriloquist or puppeteer. He would intensify the energy by motioning His hands in front of my chest. As He motioned upwards along my torso I would become erect with intense infusions of love and light and when He motioned downwards the energy would taper.  Each time I would have a deeper experience of release and integration. Some of what I felt was very reminiscent to the precursor of my enlightenment experience a few years earlier. 

As a matter of fact, throughout the blessings of that afternoon, when I looked at Pranananda I would see the Lanzon, the holy of holies (picture in my photo gallery), that I saw in Chavin, Peru. When I saw that stone edifice I was like looking into the eyes of God. People would come from the narrow underground tunnel where it was housed crying from the profound site. When I went down to take a look, I there was an instant recognition of what I saw and an unconscious dialogue took place. It was certainly one of the most profound experiences I have ever had - boy the Huachuma really knew how to open the eyes a little. I still hope to write about the second half of my Peru trip. I have a feeling that it won't happen until I write my book, but who knows? The point is that this experience and blessing actually began in Peru and came full circle ending on this day. I now know, that it was Pranananda that I saw. It was Pranananda, and what He represented, my divine self reflected back at me.

To say the least, and to come to a closing, I went through a rebirthing - the energy and dispensation for the New Year. 2008 is a year of transformation, or recreating oneself as new, those that fear and resist will find it ever the more painful and life will become more difficult. What a blessing. After my stint, I made my way to the couch at the back of the room and lay there in a daze, a daze that remained for hours as I reintegrated back into the 3D reality. That day I let go of the last remnants of my old life, those which still had me, I also released anything that I had taken on during the blessings, and reintegrated more of me. Yippee!

Since then I have felt different. Better, more peaceful, trusting, surrendered, and stronger. This year is going to be a big one. Luckily, my mind cannot figure it out... keeps me in the heart ya know.    

  

Z
   

To listen to a recent radio interview with Pranananda (a.k.a. Louix Dor Dempriey) click here.

  
To view You Tube clips of Pranananda click here.
  
 

After weeks of craziness trying to get the DVD released we could not finish it in time for the Australia tour. Go figure… our personal agendas got in the way. Staying up late and waking up early only created sleep deprivation and eventual refinements from Pranananda. The basic gist of it was that we did not have God in the equation and we lost sight of Pranananda’s golden rule: people always come first… above all else… including taking care of ourselves.

Within days I found myself in Australia and shifting gears in preparation for a series of events where I would not only assist but would also be filming for the documentary and for the movie website experience which will launch early in the new year. With a few minor tweaks in our focus we have managed to create greater harmony as a team and the production is now underway.

Upon arrival at Melbourne airport we were greeted by familiar faces from the Australian ashram and also my beloved parents. Later that evening we had an ashram dinner with all the Melbournian folk which was a great reconnect for me. Some of these people I had not seen in years… in some cases as far back as the India pilgrimage (2002) or longer.

The week prior to Pranananda’s arrival involved working on putting together some of the promo materials for the documentary which would be on display at the OZ events. On a personal level, there was still an aura of weirdness about my being in the ashram. While I did slip right in, there was still a level of feeling a little on the outside and not feeling confident with who I am and where I fit into the scheme of things. This was strange considering that within weeks of me announcing my return I found myself on the Board of Directors for the Foundation and producer of a DVD and documentary.

The thing is that I used to have a very personal friendship with my Guru, above and beyond the teacher student relationship. With all that has transpired with my move I am still feeling my way around and am not assuming anything. There had been a level of avoidance there, one that had carried through all areas of my life, denial of the God within me.
Ultimately I came back for a relationship with my divine self, and all these titles and things are nothing more than vehicles for growth and expansion. Somehow in a very short period of time it really felt like God was shoved off to the side. That is the reason for the recent refinements within the production team. In the past my ego had gotten very invested in defining myself by all the events I produced or the titles that I held – that time was now to be over if I was to finally succeed in the way that I deserve.

After stripping myself of everything, I once again found what was real. I have been humbled and let me tell you it is already proving to be a wild ride. I now fully remember the gift of being here, what the Guru offers, and how magical life can be even though it feels like I am being dragged naked across a bed of glass sometimes. Ha! When coming back on-line it is true that I could feel my ego getting invested in my role and position, so I would desperately pull back to compensate, get centered, and remember who I am and what is most important. That has been the struggle these past few weeks. Out with the old me and in with the new.

It just so happened that the other day I was talking with someone about this very topic. It was about how people in the past people held me in such a high regard and how many were excited about my return. I believed it was because of all that I had done as far as my accomplishments. This person politely corrected me of that misperception. She said as far as she was concerned, and probably the same with most other people in the ashram, who have renounced the world and are not impressed by those things, said that maybe I should consider that it was because of me. How I am, my honesty, my openness, and the person that I am. I was dumbstruck. I had never considered that. Flashes of my relationship with my love and how she has constantly reminded me that very same thing spun before me. It was a little weird to think that people liked me because of me. What I discovered was more remnants of how I still judge myself by accomplishments… another humbling.

With all the filming in public places, the attention that we have received thus far, no matter how big or small our egos have definitely already come into the picture. Pranananda has swooped in a few times to save the day as far as nip it in the butt to protect the making of this film and us. He informed of us how with even such a small production, barely out the door, how people with our level of experience and proximity to him can get caught up in entitlement, vanity, arrogance, that it is no wonder that most people that accumulate fame and wealth in the industry end up destroying themselves eventually.

It really wasn’t until a week ago that my integration back into the fold finally came to full completion. After having a lack of integrity with my finances revealed, to difficult to explain here, I needed to go to Pranananda to apologize. This was only days after my loss of job and being stripped of almost everything. It was spectacular. I ended up sitting at His feet for almost 3 hours. Talking, revealing, predicting, seeing, and connecting in ways that I have needed to feel reassured within myself and comfortable in my walk this time around.

Our relationship has been much more relaxed since then. With Christmas coming and going, and other smaller events, I have been feeling relatively good about myself most of the time. Our big evening event that kickoff this tour also went off without a hitch. Pranananda blessed each attendee gifting them with much more than the eye could see. Some people wailed and cried, others laughed, some went into shakti (divine bliss), as He touch, anointed, healed, and spoke words of revelations to each person who stepped up to receive His darshan. While watching this I found myself holding back the tears reminiscing about all that I have been through on my journey, how grateful I was to be here, and also to acknowledge and become more aware of the resistance to love that I still have.

Why I do still surprises me… but I know what lies at the end of the tunnel and it is more than anyone could ever imagine. Much more…


Z

When I arrived at the ashram I was shocked at how easily I slipped right in. It felt natural. It felt like home. It was almost as if I had never left except for one thing... my love.  Even though it was hard to wrap my head around the concept of not being with her (physically), I did still feel a sense of peace, belonging, and inner knowingness that this move is far bigger than I could ever imagine.
  
I fell straight into production mode with the production team anxiously awaiting my arrival. We had a DVD to complete and were on the verge of a major trip to Australia to continue filming the documentary which had begun in San Francisco only a few short months ago. To put it mildly there was a lot to get done and much to work through.
 
The very next day, with Pranananda and co., we went to the beach to do some additional filming for the opening sequence of the DVD. It was fun and a good way to get into the swing of things. Especially since the following weeks were going to be dedicated to creating the DVD menus, special features, and cover art.
    
After a week of intense work, I was blessed to spend Thanksgiving with my love and her mother. I drove to Las Vegas only to have my car die and I ended up selling it to a mechanic for $250. The loss of my car was also precipitated by a loss of another $20,000 in Forex (foreign currency) trading.  This was by no means as big as my previous loss but it was a large chunk of what I had earned back in the past 10 months as part of recouping those losses. I could have protected myself except that the documentary production was already maxing me out financially as we have not been able to start the fundraising yet.
   
This was not by all means the end of my financial devastation but certainly painful nonetheless. It is part a stripping of all things material. Pranananda, my guru, had forewarned me that I was going through a rite of passage know as "Sunyasi."  Traditionally this is where the Master strips the student of all material possessions and sends them out into the world as a beggar to survive, and ultimately trust that the universe will provide for them.
  
Not exactly what I had intended moving back to the ashram but what was I to do? I am being stripped bare naked of all that I have, pushed to my financial limits, not as punishment, not because there is something wrong me, but basically to force me to expand my consciousness to receive so that I can manifest my dreams, and to break me of any scarcity consciousness that has not allowed me to step forward... to bad it doesn't feel that good. Only a week or two later I lost my consulting contract as well. That my friends put me in a tizzy for now I, and my production team, had no income or even a car between us (another story), and I have an extraordinary amount of debt to service.
  
No one might say just get a job but over the past three months, with having moved from Hollywood, to Las Vegas, to Laguna Hills, to then go to Australia for 6 weeks till mid January, does not lend itself to getting work easily especially when the production has, and is, a fulltime job at the moment.  The game plan will change upon our return and fundraising will be the highest priority amongst the work that we do to get by.
       
Overall, thanksgiving was a lot of fun. During those few days of playing board games, playing Blackjack in the local casinos (not with my money FYI), I discovered that I was really there to make peace in my mind with my love and our strained relationship. I needed to reconcile my guilt of being comfortable with being at the ashram and feeling like I had abandoned her. As strong as I was, when we came to terms with how our path would look, I could never have anticipated how it would actually feel and how it would rip my heart open. 
  
On the last night that I was there we spoke and I felt reconciled although I personally did not like being apart from here this is just the way it is. What hurts most;  is not knowing for how long; is it temporary or permanent; and how will all this look and turn out. The mind is a nasty thing but none of these questions are unreasonable. Tomorrow is promised to no one, and with my over the top life nothing is predictable... nothing at all.
      
I must say however that being in the ashram has been good. To get back onto a fully vegan diet, being surrounded by a group of amazing people who want nothing but to grow and become the best that they can be, is supportive and awesome. The thing about living there is that nothing is ever as it seems, everything is about healing and growth, and there is nowhere to hide. Intense is an understatement.
  
Pranananda's ministry, our ministry, is about training masters... plain and simple. It is one of the few ashrams that has that as its primary focus. It is primarily the reason why it has remained relatively small, with little outreach for so long. It is because it is dedicated to very intense and rapid personal transformation of those closest to the Guru in preparation for the expansion to come. All the service work, all the humanitarian projects, all the pilgrimages and events fall second to that. They, if anything, are vehicles that are used to facilitate each person's self-realization and let me tell you... it is not easy.
  
Over the years, I have watched people (including myself) come and go, seen the most resilient and seemingly loving people fall apart and be forced to face things within them that they never imagined even existed. Breakdown and uplift, break down and uplift... each being to the degree that each person is willing to dig deep and not buy into the illusion for the ego does not like to be challenged. If you keep your hat in the ring, the blessings are insurmountable. It is literally a parallel world that is like Alice in Wonderland...  I am not in Kansas anymore.
   
     

Z

This was written about 2 weeks ago in an attempt to catch-up on the past few months. I am hoping to return to regular/shorter journaling from here on in...

I am writing this at the Las Vegas airport as I am about to board my flight to Orange County... I am finally off to the ashram. After one month of living in Vegas with my beloved I am finally jumping off the deep end into the known-unknown.

Emotions are high. Fear, anticipation, and everything in-between has made this transition so much more difficult than it needs to be. I love her so much... more than I ever imagined possible, yet our paths at this time are separate (at least that is how it looks right now on the outer). The bottom line is that it is time for me to step up to the plate and face some of those inner demons that I have allowed too hold me back... in many ways I don't have a choice.

To make this whole experience even more difficult I can barely even move or walk. I pinched a disk in my lower back right where my spine connects to my hips. I obviously don't feel supported, not by her, but by the universe and feeling over committed treading in waters that I have yet to swim in - the initiations have begun.

Emotionally, I feel like my skin is being peeled off and in my mind there is a panic... "What am I doing?"... "Can this be real?"... "My heart can't bare the thought of not having her around... to love and to hold"... yet all is as it needs to be. This last month in Vegas has been a trying time for both us.

In all honesty, what I am feeling now, in my last throws of rejection, is not indicative of the whirlwind of miracles and blessings that I was fully present to only a couple of months ago since my last blog.

It all began once my loved and I accepted our need to be apart. We cried a lot and then acknowledged ourselves for our maturity and unwillingness to compromise each another's dreams and destinies-which at this time meant living apart. Grace literally swooped in making our house purchase in Vegas, and departure from Hollywood, seem like a breeze.

The renovations in our new home were physically demanding but it was the anticipation of not having each other around, with no guarantee of the outcome, gave birth to a tension that didn't really source the closeness and deep bonding that we were both trying to achieve.

I could never have imagined that after all the upheavals in my life over the past couple of years, leaving the ashram, buying and selling my first home, the divorce, trying numerous business's, finding spirituality again, moving to Hollywood, finding an amazing love, losing large sums of money, and then going to Peru to deal with more demons... that I would eventually find myself seemingly back where I started... writing this... pondering... holding back the tears and dread.

I now know that my 3rd Ayahuasca ceremony, with my shaman in Peru, was in an indirect way, a premonition of my return. Add to that my final Huachuma ceremony, at Heaven's Gate, where I was told that I would see Pranananda again (within 4 months of my return), and it easy to see that spirit has been orchestrating this the whole time. As Homer Simpson would say... Doh!

The ashram, as a destination was something that I had not consciously desired or wanted. If anything I desperately wanted to put it all behind me. Deep down however, I have always known that it was an important part of who I am, at least in some capacity, but it is now obvious, and quite apparent, that I never really left - I just thought I did. Inevitably... it was an opportunity to grow and allow my ego to milk its desire to do whatever it wants until I learned that what I want is the same (yet far smaller and mediocre) compared to what God/spirit has in-store.

Regardless of my antics, I am impressed with the whole process. Spirit worked around my ego's personal agendas so that the highest outcome would manifest in spite of me. Obviously someone up there likes me, but truthfully... I know too much and cannot deny that as much as it hurts some times. Luckily, my heart has a loud enough voice to not let me stray too far.

Since the announcement of my return there has been a lot of controversy. Many people have been excited, others confused, and others judgmental and quite condescending to say the least. Within days the word spread like a wildfire around the world. It sounds funny but it is true. For some reason, I seem to be important enough to be mentioned in scandalous blogs and contacted by people with who I have had no contact in years, and in some cases never met. 

My parents were not too happy about the news. Bless them (and others) for not understanding this path. Being a male certainly makes it easier. My lofty and sometimes larger than life aspirations actually help them digest the fact that my life will probably never look the way they want it too. Explaining to their friends that I am in an ashram is not easy, but telling them that I produce events all over the world, and whatever else I do, is something entirely different.

It is usually my sister that gets most of the brunt. According to them, at 28, she should be married with kids. Too bad that neither us know if we will ever have children, and if we do, we certainly have no idea how that will look. Personally I see no need to replicate myself when there are millions of starving and homeless children looking for someone to love them.  

I have had to let go of a lot of things, and there is so much more to go. I have so much compassion for my parents and sometimes I wish that my life were different, but when it comes down to it, I don't miss the normalities. What I do miss, is having my heart blown open, the experiences of my divinity, and the realizations that bring that to my conscious reality more and more. I have seen the magic, I have made it happen, it has made me happen,... the material world is boring and mundane.

So anyways... over the last few months I have humbled myself and admitted to the truth that I have denied for so long. I am now relieved of the pain of trying to make sense of everything and living with the burden of uncertainty with my life and why my stepping forward was such a struggle. I was fighting a fight that I could never win. All of a sudden the potential for all my dreams to come true are in the midst of being realized and that is what has added a different type of fear... the inability to hide any longer.  

Within a week of my announcement I found myself on the Board of Directors for the non-profit foundation. During the following weeks I was involved in meetings with attorneys, providing input on the business structure, assisted with writing some of the foundation materials, became an assistant to the producer of some events in San Francisco, fell into the role of producer of a new DVD that is about to be released, and also of a feature length documentary. It has been an intense and busy time, and to be honest, more than overwhelming in a stressful but good way.

Prior to moving to Vegas, My love listened to the audio recordings of my enlightenment experience. She was blown away. She finally got a taste for what enlightenment really was, what it meant, how to achieve it, and more importantly that it is available for anyone. It also gave her a visceral experience of who Pranananda is and since then she has fostered a very special bond with Him, both in-person and inwardly. 

The San Francisco the events were magnificent. People were blessed, healed, and literally blown open by Pranananda's commanding presence and the love that flowed through Him. His teachings are so accessible and easy to apply, working on so many levels. My love flew up specifically for that retreat, as I went up earlier to help out, and she loved every moment. 

As I mentioned earlier the move and purchase of our new home in Vegas was filled with ease and grace. All went fast but the month I spent their, renovating and laboring was filled with mixed emotions and fear. I love her so much. More than she could ever imagine. She is my inspiration and the reason why I am doing what I am doing. It is hard to reconcile the turn of events as amazing and unexpected as they have been, for nothing seems certain. I fear lost, rejection, being alone, and the unexpected... but that is what makes life interesting... isn't it?

Z

I am still doing my best to play catch up here. I am in San Francisco at the moment in a Buddhist Temple preparing for a series of events. So much is going on but I will do my best to get through this all in tall order so I can get back in to the regular swing of things... the catch-up continues...

So the meeting with my Guru was awesome. At the end the day I felt peaceful, satisfied, and very grateful. It was as if the past 3.5 years had never happened. Prior to leaving His home I had green tea and vegan ice cream - one of my Guru's favorite combinations. Yes... I had a fun treat with and enlightened master. I am very fortunate and blessed. If only people knew. Before leaving, both my love and I were personally invited to a special gathering that was scheduled for the very next day. Without committing, I accepted the invitation. 

That evening I hung around and had a vegan dinner with my sister and a few others before making the long trek back to Hollywood. Upon arrival my love was waiting for me, excited, and in anticipation of hearing about my exploits. Prior to sharing, I gave her the stone that my Guru had given me and I began explaining the wonders of that afternoon. At one point she expressed feeling heart palpitations that were caused by holding the stone. I smiled, unfazed, and was happy for the blessing that had befallen her. Soon after the question of attending the gathering and her finally meeting my Guru came up. Initially, my love was hesitant, due to conflicts in our schedule, but with the understanding of her best friend (through text messaging), and her inner knowingness, we made it happen.

Our drive to the ashram was a little intense. Other than the ridiculous traffic in LA and later due to an accident there was the anticipation and resistance of what this day symbolized and the significance to both of us. This day was Guru Purnima, a sacred day that is held worldwide that is essentially Guru Appreciation day. As a gift and offering, my love brought her special Chavin Jaguar head which we purchased while in Peru. Upon entering the sanctuary (my Guru's home) I was greeted with familiar faces, some of which I had not seen in as long as 5 years. This only added to the subdued but intense feelings that were percolating within. It was all surreal but familiar to say the least.

The gathering began with a few invocations followed by bajans (sacred songs). I must admit that I had some judgments and fears which were laced with flashbacks of some very colorful memories from the past. I have never really been into the whole singing or devotional stuff. I don't know why that is the case but I have an aversion to it. My concerns for my love, who has not been exposed to anything like this before, were waylaid when I noticed her singing along and actually getting into it. Obviously my issues were my own. During the singing Pranananda appeared and sat in His special chair.

When the singing subsided, Pranananda welcomed everyone and made special mention of the both of us. We both used the opportunity to step forward and present my loves offering. Pranananda gratefully took it and held it in His hands for the remainder of this humble gathering. He then processed to present her with her own stone which he pulled from within His gown and followed that with a sacred scarf that He placed around her neck. They then hugged. Later she described the hug a being like hugging a super charged battery. 

Without getting into too much, this day was very auspicious because it was also the day that Pranananda had chosen to unveil the vision and next step for the global expansion of the ministry. I felt a little awkward knowing that it was no coincidence that I had chosen to make contact with Him only days before this occasion. My relationship with Pranananda has always been as much a friendship as it was about the intense initiate training. That is special and something that I always missed while I was incognito. So being here in this way, at this time, was very special and it just brought about feelings of confusion and the want to avoid what it all could mean.

I had flashes of my original role as the Director of International Relations and global producer for the Ashram. I was a pivotal figure in establishing Pranananda globally to the degrees that I was able and He always called me the rock and foundation upon which His ministry would be built. You have no ideas what a trip that took me on that ultimately facilitated my enlightenment experience and eventual demise. My ego got invested, not because I felt better than others, but because of my unworthiness. I winged everything and achieved what I did in spite of my insecurities. It was the forum through which I received my training and was forced into submission and ultimately growth, as much as I allowed it. So there is nothing lofty about my achievements or attainments. Humility to the degree that I have it came at a price and after much pain and anguish.

Now what I had originally envisioned and had been wanting was now in motion. It was time to really go for it. Pranananda to some degrees had held everything back for many reasons but now it is time to raise millions of dollars, publish books and teachings, create DVD's and a documentary or two. Now we are expanding our humanitarian projects including the orphanage that opened last year in Kenya that already serves over 260 children soon to be 1000. We are to purchase a property and relocate the headquarters to Maui.

Soon to follow will be the production of events and public outreach to provide the forum for those interested to be blessed in the ways that so many have been before. This is no different to what Ammachi, Gurumayi, and many other masters and gurus been doing for many years and even decades. I was now seeing my life unfold right before my eyes. How that would look and where it would lead I didn't really care. I just knew, as I always did, that I would be involved in some way. It is who I am. The struggle within was closer to being over.

After the gathering, which ended up being more about the disciples than the Guru, we all celebrated with a Thai vegan dinner at a local restaurant. Pranananda even drove both my love and I and she sat directly next to Him throughout the dinner. She loved every moment and interacted with Pranananda in a casual setting, even ordering the food for the entire group. Did he know that she was a food critic? The whole day was magical relief and blessing for both of us. Another chapter of my fascinating life was finally closed while a new one was unfolding right before my eyes.

During these last couple of months both my love and I have had trouble sleeping. Be it compounded by the healings with M, or the blessings of being in the presence of Pranananda, or the resistance of feeling the intense emotions and the energetics of what we have both been going through. It is for certain that insomnia has been one consistency that has become a friend whether we like it or not. So much has been going on that on some days it was surprising that we could function at all. In some cases we could not.

One of those times was only a day or two after the gathering. My love began prodding me about my decision to move to Vegas. It was unfair to her that I was still hesitating with the decision after implying that I would have the answer after seeing Pranananda again. The bottom line was that I didn't want to admit the truth, so she pushed me along by asking me a simple question: Where does my destiny lie? The answer was simple and slipped right out: "with Pranananda." She responded by saying then that is where I need to be.

Z

Continuing from my last blog...

Not too long after the dinner with M at the ashram, my love got a clear message that she needed to move to Vegas. At first I did not know what to think. I knew this was coming but not as soon as it did. I was unsure what it meant for me and whether Vegas was my calling as well.

Initially, I said yes, that I would move too, but deep inside I couldn't commit. She expressed that she was willing to go with whatever I felt, but that just made it harder. I am not one to get in the way of some ones destiny and I was no longer willing to forego mine, but what was that? I love her, I know I am meant to be with her so the only real question was What if anything, was my hesitation?

My love wanted to focus on her writing. Her first book is to be published soon, and she is in the middle of writing her second. She also felt the need to be closer to her mother who was still struggling with her husbands passing earlier this year. Vegas was also a much needed change in scenery. Now being completely drug free as a result of the Amazon and her with her shaman she had already began distancing herself from many of her friends since our last trip. The party scene was no longer her and she could see the illusions of the world and the façade that was no-longer hers.

I must say that I have been proud of her. She was finally choosing herself, even over me, risking everything for her healing. It was humbling. Truth be told, it was only a few months ago that she turned down a potential seven figure income. Yes, without any prior experience, other than being a food critic, she was offered to be a co-host for a cable TV show that had been picked up by a network for two seasons. It included travel, celebrity discussions, food, and all the glam that Hollywood offers. Instead, one month prior to production she and signing the dotted line she walked away as the writer that she is announcing and owning that before the universe. Did I say that I love her?

With each day I felt the pressure to make a decision wreaked havoc with my emotions. Viva Las Vegas or what? I sort of knew yet I didn't. Eventually, I realized why leaving Los Angeles felt so difficult. It was not the city. I haven't been here long enough to even care. It was the ashram from whence I came. I was still unresolved with my history, the past, and the inner turmoil. The move to Vegas was simply a catalyst for me to finally face this demon which had been plaguing me over three years since my abrupt departure which left me feeling broken and victimized. For any regular readers you will have caught the pain of this had been laced in my writings since I began back in November.

With my loves insistence, and as a promise to her, it was time for me to meet my guru and put the past behind me. I knew that this meeting would solidify whatever my decision was, and unify myself with... well... myself. I wrote an email to my Guru. The following morning M called and asked if I was available to meet Him the very next day. Resistantly I said yes. The next day I found myself dodging traffic to get down to the OC where the ashram is currently located. I was a little nervous and apprehensive, but optimistic. I knew that I would get what I needed... and I did.

When I walked into my Guru's home, also known as the sanctuary, I was on familiar grounds. I hung with M who is His personal assistant, and also saw my Guru's daughter for the first time since I left. She was adorable as ever and very excited to see me.

Eventually my Guru appeared, we hugged, and He handed me a blessed stone before sitting in His chair. I apologized for being late and expressed that it had taken me over three and a half years to get here. He was pleased to see me and told me that I was right on time. We chatted for almost four hours as if nothing had ever happened. I gave an incoherent run-down of the past couple of years which included the dissolution of my marriage, the purchase and sale of a house, my call to move to LA, meeting my love, my departure from the corporate world, my dabbling in many business ventures, all which lead me to the acceptance of my spiritual heritage and new found desire to take it all to the extreme. The world no longer fascinates me the way that it once did. My indulgence became my affirmation and eventually the revelation. Once touched by the divine, I was forever smitten, no matter how hard I tried to pretend otherwise.

He reciprocated by sharing about the ministry, His family, and also about some of the amazing things that have happened to Him. He brought up His stepsons suicide, the turmoil that it caused, and also the blessings. That included everything from a huge public lash back, to strengthening of many of His closest disciples around the word, to the global launch a non-profit foundation, the publishing of documentaries and books, and imminent move to Maui. Here the intention was to create the first fully self-sustained off the grid community which would serve as a model for many more to come. It would become an example of what can be achieved without raping the earth's resources.

Having gone though my own personal reactions to the suicide, including an experience of Jasha and his mother in one of the Huachuma ceremonies in Peru, I knew exactly what He was talking about. During that ceremony, while driving on windy dirt road to a place called Heavens Gate, I had an instantaneous merging with Jasha and his mother. In that instant flash, I received a poignant message from Jash that I needed to deliver to his mother. With the help of Fedex I did so upon my return.

Heaven's Gate is a place in Northern Peru (in the Andes) where an earthquake literally split a mountain in two. An avalanche followed burying instantly 70,000 people with only a church steeple left as a reminder of what was before. At the same time that this tragedy occurred, heaven was formed in between what was once one peak thousands of feet above. This became the portal through which these people departed and a beautiful lake was formed with flora and fauna that was reminiscent of what I would imagine then Garden of Eden to look like.  Heavens Gate is a metaphor.

I
t just so happened that when I had this experience at Heavens Gate with Jasha and his mother that I was listening to the audio recording of my enlightenment experience. It just so happened that I was listening to my divine revelations about her walk with my Guru while in that omniscient state. This was something I did for many of the people that were witness to my temporary but profound transformation. I wonder how many remember what it was that I saw when I looked at them; the beautiful beings that we all are. Regardless, it was a day of blessings... the three of them: the day of my enlightenment experience, the day of my Peruvian ceremony at Heavens Gate, and the day that I reunited with my Guruji. I am blessed with some very profound memories.

Z

Gosh... where do I begin?

Since my return from Peru so much has changed. I went into a lull for the first month or so but with a peace in my heart that I had not felt in a long while. It did feel a little imbalanced though. It was a sort of complacency that was also a sort of floundering on implementing anything new in my life. There was basically no spark and I was in a void. I was in hiding yet also integrating more than I was consciously aware of.

After returning from such a transformative environment, working with Shamans and all, it was like being a new person in an old but new life. My existing consulting opportunities were on the steady decline but I was more than grateful that I work from home. 

During that time I had the opportunity to introduce my sister to my new found life in LA, my beloved (whom she had never met), and we got to catch up a little since my visit to Australia back in December. She is here visiting the ashram, serving the Guru, with the desire to accelerate her healing over her six month stay. M, a person who consider my best friend, drove my sister to our humble home and used it as an opportunity to hang out with us a little. 

M and I have been in contact sporadically since my departure over the 3.5 years ago because I chose to keep away from the ashram in general. It was nice to introduce him to my girlfriend and for her to finally meet someone from that part of my life. After a few days we drove my sister back to the ashram and were invited for dinner at M's place, in one of the ashram homes.

Dinner was great! It was perfect because it was time for my love to see more of my heritage and get a better understanding of who I am. Until that point she had no interaction with that side of me other than the stories I had shared, both the good and bad times, and fairly much from my biased and sometimes inaccurate and painful point of view. No matter what I said she always felt that my Guru was awesome and could see the perfection of how all the things in the ashram and my life had played out.

It was great to see some of my old friends, M's wife, and their roommate P. They cooked the most awesome vegan meal (mostly raw) and we reminisced about the old days. We talked about some of my antics, and the ashramites confirmed many of the miracles and blessings that I had experienced while I was there. As per usual, M brought up the topic of my enlightenment experience. Not so much out of curiosity, because it fascinates him, but because he knows that when I speak of it, I relive it through my cellular memory. It is a living entity within me that I call my guarantee. Although it happened just over 6 years ago, I still listen to the tapes every couple of months with the last time being while I was on Huachuma at Heaven's Gate in Peru. Let's just say that it was a profound experience.
 

So we talked about my enlightenment, about my blogging on here, my purpose for it, and why I had not shared the details of my enlightenment story. My response to not posting it on Myspace or bogging on doing so began with the usual rhetoric and excuses of feeling inadequate and hypocritical because my life in not an exemplary example of who I