I am back... in more ways than one...

This was written about 2 weeks ago in an attempt to catch-up on the past few months. I am hoping to return to regular/shorter journaling from here on in...

I am writing this at the Las Vegas airport as I am about to board my flight to Orange County... I am finally off to the ashram. After one month of living in Vegas with my beloved I am finally jumping off the deep end into the known-unknown.

Emotions are high. Fear, anticipation, and everything in-between has made this transition so much more difficult than it needs to be. I love her so much... more than I ever imagined possible, yet our paths at this time are separate (at least that is how it looks right now on the outer). The bottom line is that it is time for me to step up to the plate and face some of those inner demons that I have allowed too hold me back... in many ways I don't have a choice.

To make this whole experience even more difficult I can barely even move or walk. I pinched a disk in my lower back right where my spine connects to my hips. I obviously don't feel supported, not by her, but by the universe and feeling over committed treading in waters that I have yet to swim in - the initiations have begun.

Emotionally, I feel like my skin is being peeled off and in my mind there is a panic... "What am I doing?"... "Can this be real?"... "My heart can't bare the thought of not having her around... to love and to hold"... yet all is as it needs to be. This last month in Vegas has been a trying time for both us.

In all honesty, what I am feeling now, in my last throws of rejection, is not indicative of the whirlwind of miracles and blessings that I was fully present to only a couple of months ago since my last blog.

It all began once my loved and I accepted our need to be apart. We cried a lot and then acknowledged ourselves for our maturity and unwillingness to compromise each another's dreams and destinies-which at this time meant living apart. Grace literally swooped in making our house purchase in Vegas, and departure from Hollywood, seem like a breeze.

The renovations in our new home were physically demanding but it was the anticipation of not having each other around, with no guarantee of the outcome, gave birth to a tension that didn't really source the closeness and deep bonding that we were both trying to achieve.

I could never have imagined that after all the upheavals in my life over the past couple of years, leaving the ashram, buying and selling my first home, the divorce, trying numerous business's, finding spirituality again, moving to Hollywood, finding an amazing love, losing large sums of money, and then going to Peru to deal with more demons... that I would eventually find myself seemingly back where I started... writing this... pondering... holding back the tears and dread.

I now know that my 3rd Ayahuasca ceremony, with my shaman in Peru, was in an indirect way, a premonition of my return. Add to that my final Huachuma ceremony, at Heaven's Gate, where I was told that I would see Pranananda again (within 4 months of my return), and it easy to see that spirit has been orchestrating this the whole time. As Homer Simpson would say... Doh!

The ashram, as a destination was something that I had not consciously desired or wanted. If anything I desperately wanted to put it all behind me. Deep down however, I have always known that it was an important part of who I am, at least in some capacity, but it is now obvious, and quite apparent, that I never really left - I just thought I did. Inevitably... it was an opportunity to grow and allow my ego to milk its desire to do whatever it wants until I learned that what I want is the same (yet far smaller and mediocre) compared to what God/spirit has in-store.

Regardless of my antics, I am impressed with the whole process. Spirit worked around my ego's personal agendas so that the highest outcome would manifest in spite of me. Obviously someone up there likes me, but truthfully... I know too much and cannot deny that as much as it hurts some times. Luckily, my heart has a loud enough voice to not let me stray too far.

Since the announcement of my return there has been a lot of controversy. Many people have been excited, others confused, and others judgmental and quite condescending to say the least. Within days the word spread like a wildfire around the world. It sounds funny but it is true. For some reason, I seem to be important enough to be mentioned in scandalous blogs and contacted by people with who I have had no contact in years, and in some cases never met. 

My parents were not too happy about the news. Bless them (and others) for not understanding this path. Being a male certainly makes it easier. My lofty and sometimes larger than life aspirations actually help them digest the fact that my life will probably never look the way they want it too. Explaining to their friends that I am in an ashram is not easy, but telling them that I produce events all over the world, and whatever else I do, is something entirely different.

It is usually my sister that gets most of the brunt. According to them, at 28, she should be married with kids. Too bad that neither us know if we will ever have children, and if we do, we certainly have no idea how that will look. Personally I see no need to replicate myself when there are millions of starving and homeless children looking for someone to love them.  

I have had to let go of a lot of things, and there is so much more to go. I have so much compassion for my parents and sometimes I wish that my life were different, but when it comes down to it, I don't miss the normalities. What I do miss, is having my heart blown open, the experiences of my divinity, and the realizations that bring that to my conscious reality more and more. I have seen the magic, I have made it happen, it has made me happen,... the material world is boring and mundane.

So anyways... over the last few months I have humbled myself and admitted to the truth that I have denied for so long. I am now relieved of the pain of trying to make sense of everything and living with the burden of uncertainty with my life and why my stepping forward was such a struggle. I was fighting a fight that I could never win. All of a sudden the potential for all my dreams to come true are in the midst of being realized and that is what has added a different type of fear... the inability to hide any longer.  

Within a week of my announcement I found myself on the Board of Directors for the non-profit foundation. During the following weeks I was involved in meetings with attorneys, providing input on the business structure, assisted with writing some of the foundation materials, became an assistant to the producer of some events in San Francisco, fell into the role of producer of a new DVD that is about to be released, and also of a feature length documentary. It has been an intense and busy time, and to be honest, more than overwhelming in a stressful but good way.

Prior to moving to Vegas, My love listened to the audio recordings of my enlightenment experience. She was blown away. She finally got a taste for what enlightenment really was, what it meant, how to achieve it, and more importantly that it is available for anyone. It also gave her a visceral experience of who Pranananda is and since then she has fostered a very special bond with Him, both in-person and inwardly. 

The San Francisco the events were magnificent. People were blessed, healed, and literally blown open by Pranananda's commanding presence and the love that flowed through Him. His teachings are so accessible and easy to apply, working on so many levels. My love flew up specifically for that retreat, as I went up earlier to help out, and she loved every moment. 

As I mentioned earlier the move and purchase of our new home in Vegas was filled with ease and grace. All went fast but the month I spent their, renovating and laboring was filled with mixed emotions and fear. I love her so much. More than she could ever imagine. She is my inspiration and the reason why I am doing what I am doing. It is hard to reconcile the turn of events as amazing and unexpected as they have been, for nothing seems certain. I fear lost, rejection, being alone, and the unexpected... but that is what makes life interesting... isn't it?

Z