A decision I didn’t want to make...

Continuing from my last blog...

Not too long after the dinner with M at the ashram, my love got a clear message that she needed to move to Vegas. At first I did not know what to think. I knew this was coming but not as soon as it did. I was unsure what it meant for me and whether Vegas was my calling as well.

Initially, I said yes, that I would move too, but deep inside I couldn't commit. She expressed that she was willing to go with whatever I felt, but that just made it harder. I am not one to get in the way of some ones destiny and I was no longer willing to forego mine, but what was that? I love her, I know I am meant to be with her so the only real question was What if anything, was my hesitation?

My love wanted to focus on her writing. Her first book is to be published soon, and she is in the middle of writing her second. She also felt the need to be closer to her mother who was still struggling with her husbands passing earlier this year. Vegas was also a much needed change in scenery. Now being completely drug free as a result of the Amazon and her with her shaman she had already began distancing herself from many of her friends since our last trip. The party scene was no longer her and she could see the illusions of the world and the façade that was no-longer hers.

I must say that I have been proud of her. She was finally choosing herself, even over me, risking everything for her healing. It was humbling. Truth be told, it was only a few months ago that she turned down a potential seven figure income. Yes, without any prior experience, other than being a food critic, she was offered to be a co-host for a cable TV show that had been picked up by a network for two seasons. It included travel, celebrity discussions, food, and all the glam that Hollywood offers. Instead, one month prior to production she and signing the dotted line she walked away as the writer that she is announcing and owning that before the universe. Did I say that I love her?

With each day I felt the pressure to make a decision wreaked havoc with my emotions. Viva Las Vegas or what? I sort of knew yet I didn't. Eventually, I realized why leaving Los Angeles felt so difficult. It was not the city. I haven't been here long enough to even care. It was the ashram from whence I came. I was still unresolved with my history, the past, and the inner turmoil. The move to Vegas was simply a catalyst for me to finally face this demon which had been plaguing me over three years since my abrupt departure which left me feeling broken and victimized. For any regular readers you will have caught the pain of this had been laced in my writings since I began back in November.

With my loves insistence, and as a promise to her, it was time for me to meet my guru and put the past behind me. I knew that this meeting would solidify whatever my decision was, and unify myself with... well... myself. I wrote an email to my Guru. The following morning M called and asked if I was available to meet Him the very next day. Resistantly I said yes. The next day I found myself dodging traffic to get down to the OC where the ashram is currently located. I was a little nervous and apprehensive, but optimistic. I knew that I would get what I needed... and I did.

When I walked into my Guru's home, also known as the sanctuary, I was on familiar grounds. I hung with M who is His personal assistant, and also saw my Guru's daughter for the first time since I left. She was adorable as ever and very excited to see me.

Eventually my Guru appeared, we hugged, and He handed me a blessed stone before sitting in His chair. I apologized for being late and expressed that it had taken me over three and a half years to get here. He was pleased to see me and told me that I was right on time. We chatted for almost four hours as if nothing had ever happened. I gave an incoherent run-down of the past couple of years which included the dissolution of my marriage, the purchase and sale of a house, my call to move to LA, meeting my love, my departure from the corporate world, my dabbling in many business ventures, all which lead me to the acceptance of my spiritual heritage and new found desire to take it all to the extreme. The world no longer fascinates me the way that it once did. My indulgence became my affirmation and eventually the revelation. Once touched by the divine, I was forever smitten, no matter how hard I tried to pretend otherwise.

He reciprocated by sharing about the ministry, His family, and also about some of the amazing things that have happened to Him. He brought up His stepsons suicide, the turmoil that it caused, and also the blessings. That included everything from a huge public lash back, to strengthening of many of His closest disciples around the word, to the global launch a non-profit foundation, the publishing of documentaries and books, and imminent move to Maui. Here the intention was to create the first fully self-sustained off the grid community which would serve as a model for many more to come. It would become an example of what can be achieved without raping the earth's resources.

Having gone though my own personal reactions to the suicide, including an experience of Jasha and his mother in one of the Huachuma ceremonies in Peru, I knew exactly what He was talking about. During that ceremony, while driving on windy dirt road to a place called Heavens Gate, I had an instantaneous merging with Jasha and his mother. In that instant flash, I received a poignant message from Jash that I needed to deliver to his mother. With the help of Fedex I did so upon my return.

Heaven's Gate is a place in Northern Peru (in the Andes) where an earthquake literally split a mountain in two. An avalanche followed burying instantly 70,000 people with only a church steeple left as a reminder of what was before. At the same time that this tragedy occurred, heaven was formed in between what was once one peak thousands of feet above. This became the portal through which these people departed and a beautiful lake was formed with flora and fauna that was reminiscent of what I would imagine then Garden of Eden to look like.  Heavens Gate is a metaphor.

I
t just so happened that when I had this experience at Heavens Gate with Jasha and his mother that I was listening to the audio recording of my enlightenment experience. It just so happened that I was listening to my divine revelations about her walk with my Guru while in that omniscient state. This was something I did for many of the people that were witness to my temporary but profound transformation. I wonder how many remember what it was that I saw when I looked at them; the beautiful beings that we all are. Regardless, it was a day of blessings... the three of them: the day of my enlightenment experience, the day of my Peruvian ceremony at Heavens Gate, and the day that I reunited with my Guruji. I am blessed with some very profound memories.

Z