I’m going home…

I am still doing my best to play catch up here. I am in San Francisco at the moment in a Buddhist Temple preparing for a series of events. So much is going on but I will do my best to get through this all in tall order so I can get back in to the regular swing of things... the catch-up continues...

So the meeting with my Guru was awesome. At the end the day I felt peaceful, satisfied, and very grateful. It was as if the past 3.5 years had never happened. Prior to leaving His home I had green tea and vegan ice cream - one of my Guru's favorite combinations. Yes... I had a fun treat with and enlightened master. I am very fortunate and blessed. If only people knew. Before leaving, both my love and I were personally invited to a special gathering that was scheduled for the very next day. Without committing, I accepted the invitation. 

That evening I hung around and had a vegan dinner with my sister and a few others before making the long trek back to Hollywood. Upon arrival my love was waiting for me, excited, and in anticipation of hearing about my exploits. Prior to sharing, I gave her the stone that my Guru had given me and I began explaining the wonders of that afternoon. At one point she expressed feeling heart palpitations that were caused by holding the stone. I smiled, unfazed, and was happy for the blessing that had befallen her. Soon after the question of attending the gathering and her finally meeting my Guru came up. Initially, my love was hesitant, due to conflicts in our schedule, but with the understanding of her best friend (through text messaging), and her inner knowingness, we made it happen.

Our drive to the ashram was a little intense. Other than the ridiculous traffic in LA and later due to an accident there was the anticipation and resistance of what this day symbolized and the significance to both of us. This day was Guru Purnima, a sacred day that is held worldwide that is essentially Guru Appreciation day. As a gift and offering, my love brought her special Chavin Jaguar head which we purchased while in Peru. Upon entering the sanctuary (my Guru's home) I was greeted with familiar faces, some of which I had not seen in as long as 5 years. This only added to the subdued but intense feelings that were percolating within. It was all surreal but familiar to say the least.

The gathering began with a few invocations followed by bajans (sacred songs). I must admit that I had some judgments and fears which were laced with flashbacks of some very colorful memories from the past. I have never really been into the whole singing or devotional stuff. I don't know why that is the case but I have an aversion to it. My concerns for my love, who has not been exposed to anything like this before, were waylaid when I noticed her singing along and actually getting into it. Obviously my issues were my own. During the singing Pranananda appeared and sat in His special chair.

When the singing subsided, Pranananda welcomed everyone and made special mention of the both of us. We both used the opportunity to step forward and present my loves offering. Pranananda gratefully took it and held it in His hands for the remainder of this humble gathering. He then processed to present her with her own stone which he pulled from within His gown and followed that with a sacred scarf that He placed around her neck. They then hugged. Later she described the hug a being like hugging a super charged battery. 

Without getting into too much, this day was very auspicious because it was also the day that Pranananda had chosen to unveil the vision and next step for the global expansion of the ministry. I felt a little awkward knowing that it was no coincidence that I had chosen to make contact with Him only days before this occasion. My relationship with Pranananda has always been as much a friendship as it was about the intense initiate training. That is special and something that I always missed while I was incognito. So being here in this way, at this time, was very special and it just brought about feelings of confusion and the want to avoid what it all could mean.

I had flashes of my original role as the Director of International Relations and global producer for the Ashram. I was a pivotal figure in establishing Pranananda globally to the degrees that I was able and He always called me the rock and foundation upon which His ministry would be built. You have no ideas what a trip that took me on that ultimately facilitated my enlightenment experience and eventual demise. My ego got invested, not because I felt better than others, but because of my unworthiness. I winged everything and achieved what I did in spite of my insecurities. It was the forum through which I received my training and was forced into submission and ultimately growth, as much as I allowed it. So there is nothing lofty about my achievements or attainments. Humility to the degree that I have it came at a price and after much pain and anguish.

Now what I had originally envisioned and had been wanting was now in motion. It was time to really go for it. Pranananda to some degrees had held everything back for many reasons but now it is time to raise millions of dollars, publish books and teachings, create DVD's and a documentary or two. Now we are expanding our humanitarian projects including the orphanage that opened last year in Kenya that already serves over 260 children soon to be 1000. We are to purchase a property and relocate the headquarters to Maui.

Soon to follow will be the production of events and public outreach to provide the forum for those interested to be blessed in the ways that so many have been before. This is no different to what Ammachi, Gurumayi, and many other masters and gurus been doing for many years and even decades. I was now seeing my life unfold right before my eyes. How that would look and where it would lead I didn't really care. I just knew, as I always did, that I would be involved in some way. It is who I am. The struggle within was closer to being over.

After the gathering, which ended up being more about the disciples than the Guru, we all celebrated with a Thai vegan dinner at a local restaurant. Pranananda even drove both my love and I and she sat directly next to Him throughout the dinner. She loved every moment and interacted with Pranananda in a casual setting, even ordering the food for the entire group. Did he know that she was a food critic? The whole day was magical relief and blessing for both of us. Another chapter of my fascinating life was finally closed while a new one was unfolding right before my eyes.

During these last couple of months both my love and I have had trouble sleeping. Be it compounded by the healings with M, or the blessings of being in the presence of Pranananda, or the resistance of feeling the intense emotions and the energetics of what we have both been going through. It is for certain that insomnia has been one consistency that has become a friend whether we like it or not. So much has been going on that on some days it was surprising that we could function at all. In some cases we could not.

One of those times was only a day or two after the gathering. My love began prodding me about my decision to move to Vegas. It was unfair to her that I was still hesitating with the decision after implying that I would have the answer after seeing Pranananda again. The bottom line was that I didn't want to admit the truth, so she pushed me along by asking me a simple question: Where does my destiny lie? The answer was simple and slipped right out: "with Pranananda." She responded by saying then that is where I need to be.

Z