2008 - the Year of Rebirth

The New Years Eve retreat has come and gone and the Year of Rebirth has begun. If anyone remembers 2007 was heralded as the Year of Synergy, a dispensation that Pranananda, my Guru, gives each year.

I remember a year ago when the Year of Synergy was  announced and how irritated I was because the name Synergy was also part of the name of the company that I had founded over 10 years ago - the very one that produced many of the events and pilgrimages that I worked on. At the time, it almost felt as though He had deliberately named it the Year of Synergy to annoy me and as a statement directly to me. Obviously, apart from my arrogance and delusions of self-importance it actually worked.

 I remember blogging about that, expressing my grievance over the whole thing, and now a year later I look back and shake my head over the year that was and the complete unpredictability of what once was my life. I say that in all seriousness... I really don't own my life anymore. As much as I am grateful for that, sometimes it scares the living heck out of me.  It is the dichotomy of "what have I done" and the excitement of "is there anything else that anyone could ever want?" - been there and done that!

So... 2007 was indeed the Year of Synergy... my coming out of the closet and back into the light of the great central sun... naked, vulnerable, and left with nothing more than the dire need to find a trust and faith deep within my core the likes of which I have never come close to finding within. As my regular readers know, I have literally nothing left except for the clothes on my back and a whoppingly embarrassing amount of debt that I have haphazardly accumulated. Even in my dire circumstances, and as painful as all this feels at times, there is a core of strength that has enveloped me. Ultimately, I have everything to gain... dang that fear and scarcity... yeah baby!

So how did the Melbourne retreat go? Well, thanks for asking... awesome I tell you. It was indeed far more intense than San Francisco as predicted. I was the assistant to the producer on this one again and it was more than a pleasure. Pranananda is definitely prepping me. When I get back to the states I will be working on some New York events, LA, San Diego, Las Vegas, San Francisco again, as well as Germany and possible Sweden... that's all of Europe to me... if I get my way that is. It is obviously time to let the cat out of the bag it would seem... the Guru is willing and able to come to a town near you! 

In many ways being a producer is easy. Pull together a good group of people that can help you manifest whatever the vision is. That is how it will work with the documentary and my secret project. I am nothing more than a person that is resourceful, and hopefully, can manage those resources effectively. Ultimately it is about growth. The events produce me... not the other way around. So this retreat... oh yeah...

It was in the Dandenong Mountains just outside Melbourne with 60 odd people. As I think I noted with San Fran a few month ago, the nature of the retreats are very different to what they used to be. As a matter of fact so is Pranananda. It is quite fascinating to watch how an enlightened master continues to transform and grow. Many people think that enlightenment is the ultimate goal, but it is really just a point in evolution. Now it may be a major destination, but truthfully the journey of growth and expansion never really ends. That is congruent with all of creation which is constantly expanding. 

If someone was to ever question that, Pranananda would ask "How much of God is there to grow into? If you can answer that, then you know where growth ends." He would also say that we are all perfection perfecting ourselves - intimating the cycle of constant growth and refinement. I once heard someone say that life can be broken down into two states of being - growing or dying - that everybody at any given time in either one of those states, and if you think about it, it is true... although the real kicker is that dying is growing too... even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. 

Truth-be-told, the journey of life is nothing more than a series of choices stringed together in a linear fashion. What makes life a miraculous experience is when those choices are no-longer driven by the ego or small self, but by the Divine... then you can just sit back and enjoy the ride.  That of course doesn't mean that there won't be any challenges or obstacles, but what will be different is your perception. Pranananda also states (and I am paraphrasing)," that Mastery is not about what happens to you, but how you react or handle what happens to you." That is the way we get tested and refined. Can you choose love no matter what? Well... can you? Most people pretend they do, and use piety as a cover for denial of what is truly going on within... however, that is another story and not one that I wish to expand upon here at this time. Sorry.

So the retreat... yeah... Pranananda does a lot less talking and discourses. He still does to a degree but it is now very much about giving people an experience of the Divine and experience of their own divinity. Some people get it consciously, others do not, but it is not unlike Ammachi giving hugs to thousands of people, except that Pranananda gives people a blast of love that many cannot contain. So for me, and for many others, I would say that the whole 3-day retreat centered around one particular segment on January 31. That does not mean that the rest of the retreat was not important or profound, but this was the obvious culmination of some amazing build-up.

The afternoon in question was when we had what is known as darshan line. For those that do not know what darshan is, it is the blessing that you receive by being in the presence of an enlightened being. That is why 10's of thousands of beings will line up for a hug with Ammachi, or wait to get a glimpse of Sai Baba at His ashram. What transpires on a subtle, or not so subtle level, is far more than anyone could ever imagine or admit. It is a fact, regardless of what people believe. So a darshan line is where Pranananda will receive people and anoint or bless them in a similar fashion to what I described in my last blog (where I briefly recounted the public evening event that we held a few weeks earlier). At a retreat it is always more profound because people have had more time with Him to feel safe and more comfortable and in essence their fear-based defenses are more likely to be down. 

As it was motioned for people to form a line to be received by Pranananda it was obvious that something big was going to happen. After the first person knelt before Him to receive an anointing of Virbuti (sacred ash), I quickly found myself running up to the front to kneel next to Pranananda to assist people up the stairs. To put it mildly, people started popping everywhere. 

It was an interesting predicament. On one-hand I was fixated on each person as they received their blessing, holding the sacred space, privy to each anointing and anything that was spoken, and on the other I had to remain as conscious and present of my surroundings as possible. It was important for me to not get too drunk off the energy that He was infusing in people. Sometimes He would say something to them, or He would just intensely stare into the person's eyes with His glazed over "eyes of God," and each time He would put the sacred ash on the third eye of each individual. 

It was fascinating. Many a time I would help walk the person down the stairs, they would be shaky, and then after being escorted only a few feet from the stage they would collapse into a blissful outburst of shaking, laughing, crying or whatever. This actually brings to memory many other precarious incidents. For instance, at the Temple of Luxor in Egypt where I had 14 people go down right at closing time. The gun toting guards were panicked as I and my staff had to fend them off from panicking and getting the wrong idea. Another was at Mother Mary's crypt in Jerusalem, Israel. Also at closing time, I was forced to calm down the Jewish priests who thought there was a demonic possession going on. All I could do was point to the sky and say "Allah" and hope for the best.  In that experience Pranananda Himself went down, with others to follow, as He re-lived the crucifixion experience. Take it as you will... I was there along with many others. All in a day's work it would seem...

So here I am, at a retreat, soliciting the help of more people to assist me as now some of the recipients needed to be carried away out of the way. The seating arrangement only offered limited ways to maneuver in the room and all avenues were getting blocked by people lying on the floor in bliss. In the meantime, I am doing my best to handle it all with grace and to stay composed and focused on the task at hand. Blessing after blessing, anointing after anointing I had to be prepared for the unexpected... now it is important to mention that not everybody had an experience like that which I am describing. Many people were afraid, others judgmental, other attached and in expectation, and others just got what they needed without the pomp and circumstance, but it was a definite scene. 

It always amazes me to see how many people feel so unworthy of the blessings. So afraid because they have convinced themselves that they are less than God. Probably the most profound experience was near the end. We had one lady join us who was a drug addict. I don't know the technical name of what she has been taking for years on end, but it was synthetic heroin and many other cocktails. When she came to the retreat she spent a lot of time in her room, looking after her son, but also afraid and extremely shy and embarrassed. We had staff assigned to her to look after her son and to nurture and support her in attending portions of the retreat so that she could have the experience that she came for. 

Well... it was heart wrenching to watch her come up to Pranananda. As she drew nearer to Him she started crying and as her eyes locked onto His she started saying... no... no... no... in morbid desperation as she realized what was about to happen... within moments Pranananda embraced her and both started wailing and crying. I was directly behind her facing Pranananda and heard a symphony of wails from behind me as everyone felt her pain and witnessed Pranananda sucking all the drugs and pain from her being like a vacuum cleaner. I cried uncontrollably watching the expression of agony on Pranananda's face as He held her tightly and transformed her life forever. 

At one particular time, Pranananda opened His eyes and stared directly into mine. I will never forget that look as He took on the karma of this beautiful soul.  I prayed to take on as much as I could to help and continued to cry incessantly. I do not really consider myself psychic, even though everyone is, but man, I can truly say that I have seen a lot of profound and amazing things, and this was no different.  Once He was done He anointed her and spoke a few things and eventually she was assisted down. That day her addiction was healed. Today she has barely had any withdrawal symptoms, which usually is extremely painful and accompanied by nausea, cramps, and extreme terror. This is one of many miracles. She is now moving into an ashram home and her mother is beside herself in glee. If the footage turns out, she will be in our documentary.

So that was one of the highlights. By now I was fully conscious that my resistance throughout the retreat, and avoidance as an assistant producer, hiding in the logistical side of things, that old faithful was going to blow. Pranananda had strategically placed me up front to ensure that I had no way of tapering my experience. In essence I had already been blasted for over two and a half hours with each person's blessing, and I was for certain not going to be conveniently pulled away for any other task.

It really began with the healer going up. M. I have mentioned him before as the healer that came up to Hollywood to do treatments on myself, my love, and my L.A. circle of friends. He was on this trip too, the sound man, and is also assisting with the documentary. When he went up to have his experience I knew instinctually to kneel directly behind him at the same height as him to hold the energies. As he started going through what he did, by being anointed, I saw Sai Baba and Adi Da (two avatars/masters), come from either side and enter his body. In that instant a lightning bolt came from Pranananda's heart, through M's, and into my chest. It was a physical experience, and I felt my chest and heart open up and get consumed by the light.

Instantly I started getting the shakes.  When M was done, I helped him down and continued assisting the final few who were left to get their blessings, but my shaking would not stop. As I made my way back to my position at His side, my eyes caught His, and he motioned for me to come up... it was my turn... I was now ripe for the picking. Within moments of getting situated Pranananda grabbed my hands and my shaking amplified. The whole stage started vibrating violently and four men jumped up to come behind me to hold me from falling back. Others had to grab stuff off Pranananda's side table for fear that the flowers and other items would fall and break.

I started screaming from the bowels of my being. To explain how this all transpired is impossible but let's just say that amongst feeling like I was going to choke and suffocate to death from my release, being electrocuted and fully animated on stage, feeling my fear and resistance coming out, while love was pouring in, I am sure it was an interesting sight. Eventually the screams and darkness became a mixture or laughing, crying, and experiencing the shear strength and power of who I am... who I truly am. I felt Metatronian energies coupled with Shiva as Pranananda cleaned house. 

Pranananda was like a ventriloquist or puppeteer. He would intensify the energy by motioning His hands in front of my chest. As He motioned upwards along my torso I would become erect with intense infusions of love and light and when He motioned downwards the energy would taper.  Each time I would have a deeper experience of release and integration. Some of what I felt was very reminiscent to the precursor of my enlightenment experience a few years earlier. 

As a matter of fact, throughout the blessings of that afternoon, when I looked at Pranananda I would see the Lanzon, the holy of holies (picture in my photo gallery), that I saw in Chavin, Peru. When I saw that stone edifice I was like looking into the eyes of God. People would come from the narrow underground tunnel where it was housed crying from the profound site. When I went down to take a look, I there was an instant recognition of what I saw and an unconscious dialogue took place. It was certainly one of the most profound experiences I have ever had - boy the Huachuma really knew how to open the eyes a little. I still hope to write about the second half of my Peru trip. I have a feeling that it won't happen until I write my book, but who knows? The point is that this experience and blessing actually began in Peru and came full circle ending on this day. I now know, that it was Pranananda that I saw. It was Pranananda, and what He represented, my divine self reflected back at me.

To say the least, and to come to a closing, I went through a rebirthing - the energy and dispensation for the New Year. 2008 is a year of transformation, or recreating oneself as new, those that fear and resist will find it ever the more painful and life will become more difficult. What a blessing. After my stint, I made my way to the couch at the back of the room and lay there in a daze, a daze that remained for hours as I reintegrated back into the 3D reality. That day I let go of the last remnants of my old life, those which still had me, I also released anything that I had taken on during the blessings, and reintegrated more of me. Yippee!

Since then I have felt different. Better, more peaceful, trusting, surrendered, and stronger. This year is going to be a big one. Luckily, my mind cannot figure it out... keeps me in the heart ya know.    

Z
   

To listen to a recent radio interview with Pranananda (a.k.a. Louix Dor Dempriey) click here.

  
To view You Tube clips of Pranananda click here.