I'll cry if I want to...

Fear is a wonderful thing. It is an amazing inhibitor... the denial of oneself... yet such an amazing barometer and gift, that when overcome is actually a vehicle for growth and expansion. Fear can only be perpetuated by the external perception of self and is given life by believing in the drama of a world that is created by, and in, a vacuum of illusion. Lofty words I know... but it is the truth that constantly ascends a consciousness that is lovingly embracing the sea of confusion nevertheless...

It is my birthday today. I am 34 years old. I live in an Ashram with my Guru and a group of devoted disciples. I am producing a feature length documentary, designing and creating a socially conscious children's toy, on the board of directors for a non-profit, and barely able to pay my bills as I wade through the muddied waters of my mind. In my world, I have come to learn to expect or be attached to nothing yet anticipate anything... miracles are always within reach but I have not let them land.

The last couple of months, almost nine to be exact, have been a whirlwind of amazing experiences... many of which I do not understand, and to be honest, care not to... all that matters is what I feel now. My life is crazy, painful, amazing, and unpredictable. I would not have it any other way. As I let go of my past (and future) the better it gets. The world can never offer me, or even come close to surpassing, that which comes from within?

I have given up everything to be here... in the now... I have given up all that I have known... and I have done so twice... there will never be a third. Something big is brewing... it is a culmination of months, years, and even lifetimes of preparation. My emotions are overwhelming, and my heart is in a frenzy of deep despair mixed together with the bated anticipation of something... it is the known unknown... love, God, or whatever you want to call it!

The rapture and bliss that embraces me... the deep love that I am discovering... is the real thing. It comes from me - and I am finally willing to accept it. Why else would I be here? Life isn't always a walk in the park but I know that I will see it through.

...if what is contained herein makes no sense... then let me make it clear... nothing in my existence ever was or will be... I am grateful. I AM here!